December 10, 2007

Islam: Where do I begin?

Filed under: Blogroll — mariahussain @ 7:04 pm

Ask Maria Anything! Use the comments feature.

Q: I am in love with Islam. I don’t have the guts to change my lifestyle yet, but I am engaged in deep thinking and my entire world view has shifted. Where do I begin to try and approach God through Islam?

A: There are millions of “sleeper Muslims” like yourself throughout the world. Some were born ethnicaly Muslim but were never taught how to perform the religion, while many were raised in another tradition. Especially in the 1970s, due to the ministry of Malcolm X, a lot of people in the civil rights movement converted to Islam, mostly in theory but not in practice. But that may be an illusion. Being a “good Christian” in this country amounts to not much more than just back-stabbing materialism. But being a “good Muslim” is a full time job. By choosing to identify as “bad Muslim” we choose a moderate path, a general philosophy which has the potential of propelling our society forward in a positive direction.

Islam is about making a conscious choice to work on becoming a true human being. A Mensh, as the Yiddish like to say. Someone upright, truthful, and compassionate yet firm. The Path of Islam is about using your time in this life to purify your worship through ego reduction. Before you can “become the rider of your own elephant” (to quote the Buddha), it is necessary to respect yourself. Most people have been demoralized or traumatized in some way by their family or culture and this leaves scars on our hearts that keep us from living life freely without baggage. To reach the place of peace and clarity we usually first need to wade through a lot of muck with a great deal of effort and courage.

Islam is about learning how to be a clean person, inside and out. First step we keep our homes clean. The thing that distinguishes humans from animals is that humans, when they are living in a godly way, clean up after themselves. A bird poops anywhere anytime. A human being disposes of his own poop in a safe and sanitary manner. A Muslim cannot look at feces or urine. We do not live with dirt in our home. A home can be messy, but not dirty. A dirty house is not a home. Filth erodes the faith because it causes us to disconnect from our consciousness in an effort to avoid noticing the dirt.

If someone sprinkled when he tinkled, clean it up immediately. Anything rotten or foul smelling should be disposed of. Clothes and sheets should be kept clean. The Prophet, peace be upon him, taught that there are unseen creatures which live in dirty places that bring disease and misfortune to the people.

The most essential thing that distinguishes a Muslim from a non-Muslim is that Muslims keep their butts clean. It is the most elementary thing, but it prevents bladder infections, enhances sex, and just feels right. Why walk around smelling musty when you could RINSE?

If Islam is interesting to you, try obeying the Shariah in just one aspect and see how your life changes. For example, start keeping your butt clean. After you urinate, rinse off. After you poop, wash your butt. The Islamic tradition is to keep a jug of water next to the toilet, it looks like a watering can with the spout cut off, but even a soda bottle or plastic cup works. While sitting on the potty, you pour the water over your privates with your right hand, using your left hand to guide the water and open the folds of skin. This is important because you can actually go to Hell for slime sticking on your pubes. So don’t let it happen.

Another hygeine aspect of the Shariah is shaving off your pubes. It makes it easier to wash. It doesn’t hurt. Some people like to get it waxed off. That hurts. Muslims are not supposed to walk around with a smelly hairball in their pants. The Islamic law says you have to at least clip your pubes with scissors once every three weeks and don’t let it get long. Same goes for the underarms.

Clipping your fingernails. Islamic fundamentalists keep their nails short without nail polish, like the Swiss. Learn to view fingernail attachments and decorations as low class.

Circumcision. If you are not circumcized you might consider it. I hear it prolongs erection and makes the wife very happy. In any case it reduces her risk of catching disease from your smegma. If you can’t face it, then don’t worry. There are some Islamic laws that allow you to forego that ritual.

Keeping your nose clean. Cup water in your right hand and sniff it up your nostrils. Use your left hand to squeeze and clean your nose while you blow all the water out. That is the Islamic way to blow your nose. Looking up someone’s nose (if you are petite like me) is the quickest way to spot a pagan. Muslims keep their butts clean, their noses clean, their hands and feet clean.

There are so many rules that I could go on and on. I recommend the book “Morals and Manners in Islam” by Marwan Ibrahim Al-Kaysi if you want to know all the rules for human behavior. But if you start with these few tips, I guarantee you will have improved health and self-esteem. Maybe even better luck in love.



  1. islam sounds hygienically wonderful, except for the circumsicion stuff which is totally useless ancient tradition and bloody horrible, while the other things all make great sense…

    with or without worship services, keeping clean makes for good health and good living…you make islam sound very good, except for that jewish part (smile)

    Comment by frank scott — December 11, 2007 @ 8:51 pm

  2. Thank you for this post. You’re very correct that the Blackamerican community, particularly those within the civil rights movement generation as well as their children, were profoundly affected by Malcolm X and the Nation of Islam movement in general, which has led many Blackamericans towards “orthodox Islam.”

    Comment by dawudwalid — January 10, 2008 @ 8:21 pm

  3. A modern way to clean while in the bathroom is to use a Spaloo. A Spaloo is a bidet seat that replaces a typical toilet seat. The Spaloo washes the user with a spray of water.

    Comment by Bruce — December 3, 2008 @ 6:05 pm

  4. I shave my whole body, legs and all, and I feel very clean.

    Comment by Janathan Mangaoang — January 31, 2009 @ 6:59 pm

  5. Islam is today under the microscope – people are losing faith in it – but cannot – turn back – as they will be killed. Its the true loving islamic way.

    Comment by Cj — March 5, 2009 @ 9:21 am

  6. The only Muslims who go around saying they lost faith are those on the Zionist payroll. There is a lot of dirty money to be made off apostasy. But even neo-liberal eccentrics like Irshad Manji absolutely refuse to say they disbelieve in God or reject Islam. Nonie Darwish claims to have converted to Christianity, but her book is so full of holes that her entire story is unlikely to be true.

    In my experience, it seems most Muslims get more religious as they get older, and each generation is more observant than the generation before. In some cases when there is a recent conversion or reversion to the religion of Islam, the practice is very fervent, and eventually tapers off to be a more mundane routine rather than the focus of thought. But that is in a sense because the person’s faith has expanded to include the whole lifestyle and personality.

    Comment by mariahussain — March 6, 2009 @ 2:47 am

  7. I have read alot about the Islamic culture and have worked in many muslim nations. I read often about the “cleaniness” of the faith and it’s people, but from personal expereince, have witnessed that the people are very dirty, literally. The stench of many of the people is overwhelming so I question, why? For example, I have witnessed many folks bathing….in unclean, sewage water. The “act” is there, but the practice is totally off. It may be an education thing but I doubt it. Thoughts?

    Comment by craig d. — August 31, 2009 @ 8:39 am

  8. dear craig d,,my name is jenny,i hv converted to islam when i was 23..- i understand and experienced that myself also, seeing my fellow muslim’s mates who xpracticing fully what islam has taught us sometimes really makes me feel sad as we,the muslims gv the impression that islam is not a pure and divine religion. what i can say is,it is the person himself/herself or it’s the culture or the custom that they have been used to it that makes them not practicing what islam has taught them i.e being clean ,and nothing that they did is related to islam as islam really stressed on the importance of being clean.u can never be a true muslim if u are not clean inside/out,ur environment,ur house,etc as Allah mentioned in Al-quran about the importance of being clean. eg: bathing must be with clean water and in islam has even mentioned what type of water that we can use for bathing/taking ablution and i assure u that there’s nothing in our teaching that taught us to take bath using sewage water.

    ive converted to islam not by looking at the muslim’s character because i knw somehow in someways few of them hv been ‘polluted’ by the environment,culture,society,etc. u hv to read the al-quran and u’ll see that islam is very beautiful and if u lucky enough to find a true muslim then ull see how perfect the religion is reflecting that person. it’s the same thing as christian,jews ,etc. not all of them are practicing what they hv been taught,isnt it? it’s not the religion,it’s the people who gv the wromg msg to the world.

    So i hope that the few muslims ‘dirty’ attitudes/habits xmake u to be prejudiced towards this religion =). thanks. =)

    Comment by jenny — October 13, 2011 @ 2:55 pm

  9. Is this post meant to be taken seriously? The following, for instance, is a blatant lie or, in the very least, indicative of Muslim bigotry and/or ignorance:

    “The most essential thing that distinguishes a Muslim from a non-Muslim is that Muslims keep their butts clean.”

    One needn’t follow the exact methods Islam calls for to keep ones butt clean. I keep my butt quite thoroughly clean through the use of toilet paper, wet wipes (even if I have to use several of these), and then dry off with more toilet paper. I agree with this statement: ” Why walk around smelling musty…?” Not having a clean butt is uncomfortable, but it is just like an Abrahamic religion such as Islam to claim that they are doing it right while everyone else is doing it wrong.

    Let us not forget to mention that there is no evidence for the existence of Allah any more than there is evidence for the existence of the trinitarian Christian god. What’s more, why would anyone need a religion in order to want to be clean? Just silly.

    Comment by pulseteresa — August 20, 2013 @ 8:46 am

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