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Q: I am in love with Islam. I don’t have the guts to change my lifestyle yet, but I am engaged in deep thinking and my entire world view has shifted. Where do I begin to try and approach God through Islam?
A: There are millions of “sleeper Muslims” like yourself throughout the world. Some were born ethnicaly Muslim but were never taught how to perform the religion, while many were raised in another tradition. Especially in the 1970s, due to the ministry of Malcolm X, a lot of people in the civil rights movement converted to Islam, mostly in theory but not in practice. But that may be an illusion. Being a “good Christian” in this country amounts to not much more than just back-stabbing materialism. But being a “good Muslim” is a full time job. By choosing to identify as “bad Muslim” we choose a moderate path, a general philosophy which has the potential of propelling our society forward in a positive direction.
Islam is about making a conscious choice to work on becoming a true human being. A Mensh, as the Yiddish like to say. Someone upright, truthful, and compassionate yet firm. The Path of Islam is about using your time in this life to purify your worship through ego reduction. Before you can “become the rider of your own elephant” (to quote the Buddha), it is necessary to respect yourself. Most people have been demoralized or traumatized in some way by their family or culture and this leaves scars on our hearts that keep us from living life freely without baggage. To reach the place of peace and clarity we usually first need to wade through a lot of muck with a great deal of effort and courage.
Islam is about learning how to be a clean person, inside and out. First step we keep our homes clean. The thing that distinguishes humans from animals is that humans, when they are living in a godly way, clean up after themselves. A bird poops anywhere anytime. A human being disposes of his own poop in a safe and sanitary manner. A Muslim cannot look at feces or urine. We do not live with dirt in our home. A home can be messy, but not dirty. A dirty house is not a home. Filth erodes the faith because it causes us to disconnect from our consciousness in an effort to avoid noticing the dirt.
If someone sprinkled when he tinkled, clean it up immediately. Anything rotten or foul smelling should be disposed of. Clothes and sheets should be kept clean. The Prophet, peace be upon him, taught that there are unseen creatures which live in dirty places that bring disease and misfortune to the people.
The most essential thing that distinguishes a Muslim from a non-Muslim is that Muslims keep their butts clean. It is the most elementary thing, but it prevents bladder infections, enhances sex, and just feels right. Why walk around smelling musty when you could RINSE?
If Islam is interesting to you, try obeying the Shariah in just one aspect and see how your life changes. For example, start keeping your butt clean. After you urinate, rinse off. After you poop, wash your butt. The Islamic tradition is to keep a jug of water next to the toilet, it looks like a watering can with the spout cut off, but even a soda bottle or plastic cup works. While sitting on the potty, you pour the water over your privates with your right hand, using your left hand to guide the water and open the folds of skin. This is important because you can actually go to Hell for slime sticking on your pubes. So don’t let it happen.
Another hygeine aspect of the Shariah is shaving off your pubes. It makes it easier to wash. It doesn’t hurt. Some people like to get it waxed off. That hurts. Muslims are not supposed to walk around with a smelly hairball in their pants. The Islamic law says you have to at least clip your pubes with scissors once every three weeks and don’t let it get long. Same goes for the underarms.
Clipping your fingernails. Islamic fundamentalists keep their nails short without nail polish, like the Swiss. Learn to view fingernail attachments and decorations as low class.
Circumcision. If you are not circumcized you might consider it. I hear it prolongs erection and makes the wife very happy. In any case it reduces her risk of catching disease from your smegma. If you can’t face it, then don’t worry. There are some Islamic laws that allow you to forego that ritual.
Keeping your nose clean. Cup water in your right hand and sniff it up your nostrils. Use your left hand to squeeze and clean your nose while you blow all the water out. That is the Islamic way to blow your nose. Looking up someone’s nose (if you are petite like me) is the quickest way to spot a pagan. Muslims keep their butts clean, their noses clean, their hands and feet clean.
There are so many rules that I could go on and on. I recommend the book “Morals and Manners in Islam” by Marwan Ibrahim Al-Kaysi if you want to know all the rules for human behavior. But if you start with these few tips, I guarantee you will have improved health and self-esteem. Maybe even better luck in love.